Wednesday, May 13, 2009

NEWS REPORT - Man Finds Dead Dinosaur in Kearney, NJ

Man Finds Dead Dinosaur in Back Yard in Kearney , New Jersey

Jim Flores came home from his job as a freeway ad clown to find a dead dinosaur in his back yard. “I smelled something funny right away and followed my nose to the back yard and there it was!” he told reporters. “I don’t know how it got there, but it’s a mess and it mashed in the side of my garage something fierce.”

The beast, identified by a local Boy Scout as either a “Gigantosaurus or a Really Giganto Saurus” was estimated by butcher Ted Wright as weighing between 300 and 350 tons. “Its more meat than I’ve ever seen in one place,” he opined. “And I have seen some pretty big stockyards, including Stockyard Channing.”

To complicate matters, the dinosaur was observed to have ice crystals clinging to it, leading to speculation that it had been held in a refrigerator-freezer since the Jurassic Age. “Perhaps someone was saving it for a fiesta or party and never got around to thawing it out and now they decided to get rid of it,” said Chief of Police Bill “Run of the Mill” Hill. “Anyway, I never realized they had freezers back in the Jurassic Era. I don’t even think they had electrical power back then.”

By the next morning after discovering the beast, Flores , the homeowner was forced from his home by a couple of resulting environmental problems caused by the large, rotting carcass.

First, the smell had become unbelievable. “It’s like comparing a minnow to a whale, the smell of this compared to a dead deer by the roadside,” said Flores . The smell carried for some 5 miles and was causing nearby motorists to hallucinate, puke and crash their vehicles.

Secondly, a river of dinosaur waste from the beast’s carcass was flowing down the driveway and into the street, blocking traffic. Wild animals were seen to be running up, lapping up the filth and dying on the spot. “This might be some kind of health hazard,” said Flores . “I don’t know.”

Thirdly, the avian scavengers such as buzzards and crows were flocking to the site, drawn by the putrescence and smell and were squawking like hell and ripping dead flesh off and flying around the neighborhood wreaking havoc while flies buzzed loudly in clouds around and on the carcass.

“I guess we might as well let time take its toll,” said Police Chief Hill. When a team of dinosaur scientist arrived on the scene in breathing masks and sealed suits, Hill directed them not to remove any of the filth from the scene, but to study it “in situ”. The scientists were incensed, but agreed and waded into the degenerating mess.

“What a mess!” summarized Chief Hill.

Later on in the day, a rocketship full of infernal space robots landed at the site and began wading into the river of filth, suctioning up materials, boiling them and spurting them back out in 50 foot fountains and jets into the surrounding neighborhood.

“This is an unexpected development,” said Chief Hill. “I’m afraid we might have to do something now.”

As the robots were seen departing in their stinking, slime-covered rocket ship, Chief Hill and two deputies suited up, put on gas masks and approached the site. What they saw when they rounded the garage and approached the buzzing, stinking hulk surprised them. Burrowing out of the steaming corpse were five strange-looking animals about the size of goats, but shaped more like skinks or lizards with brown polka dots on darkgreen skin.

They stumbled around, appraising their situation. Chief Hill decided to take action immediately and began emptying his service revolver into the heads of the beasts, who screamed and screeched with demonic fury. The two deputies followed suit and soon enough, the five beasts lay dead with their brains splattered about.

"Maybe we should have had someone capture those things for a zoo orsomething," said Deputy Arnold Finkle to a reporter after the threesome returned to the command post in Bob Jarass's garage across the street from the Flores residence. Chief Hill just shook his head and said, "No, they were too unusual, they might have been a threat or something. We did the right thing by shooting them dead immediately."

As night approached, Chief Hill contemplated calling the fire department to burn the remains of the dinosaur, the five beasts and the remaining filth on site.

Thanks for reading. As usual, I will try to bring you all of the news that the mainstream media can't or won't report on due to cover-ups, stupidity, laziness and lack of insight.

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